You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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