why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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