the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
