my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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