Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
