I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
