Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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