if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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