what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
