I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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