Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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