I'm gonna have a badass scar
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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