and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
