forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
