Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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