this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
