I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
