Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
