im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
