There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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