i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
