Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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