My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
