So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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