Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
