I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
