What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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