i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
