walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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