I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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