look no pants
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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