take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
