you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
