who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
