Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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