Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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