My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
