Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
