I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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