just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
