Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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