He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also, beer. Big fan.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
