This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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