First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
