I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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