I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Green mimosas i think yes
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
