Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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