I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize