the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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