Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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