well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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