I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The power of my boobs compel you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize