I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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