I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
