I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
