I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
