Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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