she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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